My two cents on the Rape Debate

rape

Last week, Mia Freedman wrote a piece on Rape that sparked quite the Social Media outrage – my twitter timeline was literally filled with opinions, some civil, others bordering aggressive, all valid.

As women, we fear rape and assault from the minute we are old enough to recognise it exists. We know we are the more vulnerable sex – physically weaker – in that if we were to come across a bigger, stronger man in a dark alley, we would likely have next to no chance to out-muscle him if need be.

I am now a married, 31 year old mother of 2 girls, and yet I remember the first years of partying like it was yesterday. I remember getting all dressed up and walking the streets of Sydney with my girlfriends, sometimes a little drunk, sometimes not. I remember some guys approaching me in a way that made me feel frightened. I also remember the guys that were sweet and kind – the ones that would intervene if they would see me looking uncomfortable with a bloke that just wouldn’t bugger off.

I remember enjoying those nights out. I remember, at times, drinking excessively, sometimes deliberately, sometimes not, and I remember waking up on all those occasions feeling shitter than shit. I also remember sometimes choosing to be sober and still having an equally awesome night.

I made plenty of mistakes and yet some great decisions. Some could fall into both categories. Such is life.

Mia’s argument is that being intoxicated has been proven to be connected to higher incidences of sexual assault. Some would call this victim blaming, others would call it reducing risk.

This is how I see it and it makes me sick to even think about it but here goes.

If I teach my daughters that being intoxicated means the risk of rape is higher and they then become the victim of such a crime – how will they feel about it if they happened to be drunk at the time?

Will they look back on my words and say “If only I hadn’t been drinking…?”

Will they hesitate to tell me?

Will they find it more difficult to report because perhaps they will be seen as less credible, irresponsible, drunk and unable to remember as clearly as they would have, sober?

Will they blame themselves?

The startling truth about sexual assault is that most women – statistically – are raped by people they know. Rapists are just that – rapists. They will rape whoever they please, whenever they can, in situations they feel suit them perfectly.

We talk about risk reduction in life, but life is all about risk. Whenever you hop on a plane, there is a tiny risk it will crash, through no fault of your own. When you bungy jump, there is the off chance that the safety precautions aren’t met. Whenever you cross the road, no matter how safely you do it, you could be hit by a car.

Does that mean you don’t travel, bungy jump, or cross the road?

When my girls hit those teenage years, I know they will drink – I am no fool. And they probably will drink excessively on occasion and as much as that thought petrifies me, its reality. I was that teenage girl too. And I was raised to be smart and aware and responsible and all those things but it didn’t stop me from sometimes being a stupid kid.

Despite both my daughters only being under 4, I do still worry daily about those teenage years to come. Its a distant future that often doesn’t seem that distant with how time flies sometimes. And when that time comes, I will guide them the best way I know how – but I am not naive enough to think they will always listen.

I will tell my girls to be careful; to be wise; to take precautions and to always be with people they trust. And I will tell them to not excessively drink because it may impair their judgement and attitude towards everything – not because they are at greater risk of being raped.

Because the rapist is the man, not the drink.

And I will never allow them to feel – however unknowingly – like they were at fault because of someone else’s evil.

  • http://leeannewalker1.wordpress.com Lee-Anne

    A concise and prudent post. Blaming the victim never works, it deflects responsibility from the perpetrator and exacerbates the effects on the sufferer.

    • http://mammasvidablog.wordpress.com Mamma’s Vida

      Perfectly said x

  • http://teacherversusmum.wordpress.com teachermumwife

    Fantastic post. The only way to shift archaic societal views on rape, where women are continually held accountable, is through ongoing discussion and debate. I am appalled that the current attitude places the focus and solution on a woman’s ability to develop survival and resistance skills as opposed to educating our boys on right from wrong. As a mother of two boys, the focus must shift. Discussion should not be about what the girls are doing ‘wrong’ but what the boys should be doing ‘right’. Boys turn into men, and they must be educated at a young age about respect and human rights.

    • http://mammasvidablog.wordpress.com Mamma’s Vida

      That is exactly right. It has always been about what women should do to be safe, never about educating our boys. You are doing a great job with your kids and I am sure they will grow up to be respectful human beings x

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