I cannot put into words how I feel as a Mum.
The love is just so unique that it needs a new word. It’s more than love – it’s the ultimate attachment to another person; their existence gives you breath, gives you will to live.
Since my biggest girl Sienna was born, she’s been in and out of hospital. Not for serious things – I mean, serious enough for us to be there of course – but nothing a good drip full of water, salt and glucose can’t fix. You see, when she gets a tummy bug, she really gets a tummy bug.
And watching her little body dehydrating actually kills my soul. Watching her struggle through being sick and weak really destroys me and the strong Mum I usually am vanishes. Watching her cry when they try to find a vein for the catheter just breaks my heart into a million pieces.
But she won’t see my fear; she can’t see my worry. Because she has to know Mamma’s got this. Mamma’s got baby girl’s back.
And the good people at the hospital fix her and she becomes like new. And when she feels well enough to ask for pancakes again my heart beams. Beams. I want to give her a thousand pancakes. I want to give her everything because I see her cheeks getting rosier and her smile getting brighter.
And all is right with the world again.
My other daughter, Vida, is prone to getting croup. The other kind of scary: respiratory scary. I mean. Hearing her struggling to breathe equally rips my heart open and I rush just as quickly to the emergency ward because my kids can be fixed at the hospital.
And my kids are my whole existence – they need to be fixed. They simply must be. Only then will my heart un-break.
Being a parent is the most beautiful, wonderful, priceless experience I will ever have. It completes me as a person, it really does. And I don’t care what anyone says about that – I am a Mum, first and foremost. It was what I was meant to be, before anything else.
But it can be heartbreaking. Really, truly, heart-wrenching. Because their pain is your pain. And you never want them to have pain or feel pain. You want their life to be happy and wonderful and seamless and full of everything good in the world.
Sienna spent last night in hospital receiving fluids her body really needed. And today she’s at home and she’s brighter. She ate a cupcake.
We’re lucky. She’s okay. And now that she’s on the mend, my heart can mend too.All comments read, appreciated and responded to. So thank you x